Grief is one of life’s most complex emotional experiences, which profoundly shapes our understanding of love, loss, survival, and recovery. It is often discussed through the lens of stage models, which attempt to describe the psychological and emotional processes we undergo when coping with a significant loss. However, grief is deeply subjective and nonlinear, making it impossible to fit neatly into a universal framework. While it may seem like a game of semantics, I believe phase models are more useful to think about than stage models.
Rather than rigidly adhering to predetermined stages, phase models emphasize common elements in the mourning process while leaving space for individual differences.
Grief Is Subjective and Nonlinear
While any/all models of grief can offer insights, they cannot fully capture the individual nature of loss. In fact, among other things, grief is influenced by personality, cultural background, religion (or no religion), relationship to the deceased, exposure to death, and circumstances of the loss. Some may experience huge waves of rage and sadness interspersed with periods of calm, while others may seem outwardly unaffected.
In addition, grief rarely follows a predictable timeline. Emotions can resurface unexpectedly, triggered by a memory, anniversary, or even an unrelated event. This nonlinear quality often leaves mourners feeling disoriented, as they may believe they were “moving forward” only to feel plunged back into sorrow. Learning to tolerate this ebb & flow and lack of control is key to navigating the grieving process without undue pressure or self-criticism.
Phases Do Not Conform to a Universal Standard
It is essential to understand that grief phases are not rigid stages everyone must pass through in the same order or at the same pace. Models such as Elizabeth Kübler-Ross’s five stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance) have been widely discussed but are often misunderstood as prescriptive rather than descriptive. Not everyone experiences all these stages, and those who do may cycle through them multiple times or skip some entirely. Plus, Kübler-Ross’s stage model was originally designed to explain the reactions and experiences of dying persons, not their mourning survivors.
Phase models, on the other hand, emphasize the fluidity of mourning. They acknowledge that grief is not a step-by-step mechanical set of procedures but a process of oscillation between different emotional and psychic states. These models focus less on neatly defined stages and more on the universal themes that often emerge during grief, allowing for personal variation.
Based upon the work of self psychologist, George Hagman, the phases I have in mind to help explore the landscape of loss include:
- rupture of the bond
- emergency attempts to restore the bond
- psychic disorganization
- gradual adaptation
- possibility of psychic reorganization
- possibility of self-renovation
The Rupture of the Relationship Bond
The initial phase of grief is characterized by a profound sense of rupture. The death of a loved one or the loss of a cherished relationship breaks the physical connection but also threatens to sever the emotional attachment that once provided stability and meaning. This rupture can feel like a ripping of the sense of self, leaving mourners with an acute sense of pain, emptiness, disbelief, and shock.
This phase often includes a painful sense of yearning—physical longing to see, touch, or speak to the person again. Mourners may struggle to reconcile the shocking permanence of the loss with their deep-seated emotional attachment, creating an inner conflict that underscores the difficulty of relinquishing the needed bond.
The Attempt to Restore the Bond
In the wake of the rupture, many mourners experience a frantic attempt to restore the lost bond. This phase often manifests as a psychological or emotional search for the deceased, even when rationally the mourner knows the person is gone. It might involve dreams, imagining their presence in familiar places, or “talking” to them as though they are still there.
These attempts are not “crazy.” Instead, they reflect the mind’s [and heart’s] struggle to process the dissonance between the emotional attachment and the reality of the loss. This phase serves an important purpose, as it helps the mourner begin to confront the new reality. But it can feel cognitively and emotionally violent.
Psychic Disorganization
As the reality of the loss begins to sink in, mourners often enter a phase of emotional emptiness and psychic disorganization. This period can feel like a free fall, with a loss of structure, focus, or meaning. It is not uncommon to experience physical symptoms such as appetite changes, fatigue, difficulty concentrating, sleep disturbances, or a lack of motivation.
This phase can also bring heightened feelings of despair, hopelessness, or numbness. While cognitively disorienting, this state reflects the mind’s natural struggle to integrate the enormity of the loss. It is a time when mourners may feel “broken” or incapable of returning to normal life.
Gradual Adaptation
Over time, the intensity of grief can begin to lessen, and mourners may start to accommodate the new reality. This phase involves a gradual shift from reflexively resisting the loss to gradually accepting its permanence. It may also allow for a changing perspective; one not about forgetting or “moving on” but about finding ways to coexist with the loss while “moving with” or carrying memories of and an internal bond with the deceased.
Adaptation [also referred to as accommodation] can look different for everyone. It might involve finding new routines, rediscovering a sense of purpose, or building relationships that support recovery. This phase is marked by a growing ability to think about the deceased without being overwhelmed by pain, allowing for moments of reflection.
Possibility of Psychic Reorganization
The final phase of grief involves a psychic reorganization that can allow for re-engagement with life as a changed identity. This does not mean the pain of the loss disappears; instead, it becomes integrated into the mourner’s sense of self.
Possibility of Self-Renovation
Some mourners describe this phase as a period of self-renovation. The loss, while devastating, can catalyze personal change by forcing individuals to reevaluate priorities, relationships, and rebuild a sense of purpose. Some find new passions or develop deeper empathy as a result of their experience.
In other words, this phase has the potential to expand one’s self-definition. The loss of the physical bond forces individuals to confront the question of who they are without the relationship and begin to explore and experience an internalized attachment that can endure beyond the physical limits imposed by death.
Final Thoughts
Grief is an intensely personal process, and no single model can fully encompass its complexity. Phase models of mourning provide a framework for understanding the common elements of grief while allowing for individual variation. They remind us that grief is not a lock-step series of moves to be completed but a process of rupture, painful searching, confusion, gradual adaptation, and self-renovation that is experienced in ways unique and salient to the individual.