by David Fireman, LCSW
When I think about grief in my work as a psychotherapist and social worker I sometimes return to the ideas of Colin Murray Parkes. His way of understanding loss feels grounded in what I see every day with clients. He does not treat grief as merely an emotional breakdown or a storm people simply have to survive. He sees it as a forced “relocation of the mind.” Overnight, someone is ejected from a familiar life and has to learn how to live somewhere new, mentally and socially.
This shift in perspective matters. It helps us understand why grief is so disorienting and why people often say, “I don’t know who I am anymore.”
Parkes argued that bereavement is not just about sadness. It is a major life transition, similar to a migration or moving to another country, or retiring, or getting seriously ill. In all of these situations, life does not just hurt. It suddenly changes its rules and requires a new map.
After a death, people have to rethink three basic things. First, identity. Who am I now that this person is gone? Second, roles. What do I do now that I am no longer a spouse, a caregiver, or a parent in the same way? Third, the future. What am I moving toward when the future I expected is no longer possible?
From this view, grief is not simply emotional pain. It is intense mental work done while the ground is still changing and shaking underneath you.
One of Parkes’ most helpful ideas is what he called the “assumptive world.” Most of us live our lives based on quiet assumptions we rarely think about. My partner will be there when I come home. My life will unfold more or less as planned.
These assumptions help us function. If we didn’t or couldn’t make them we’d have to rethink everything every day.
This is why grieving people often feel confused, disbelieving, unreal, or incapable of making simple decisions. It is not because they are weak or “not coping well.” It is because their old way of understanding the world no longer works. The mental map they relied on has been fractured or destroyed.
Parkes paid special attention to losses where identity is deeply shared, such as spouses, partners, children, or parents whose lives revolve around caregiving. In these relationships, identity is built together or co-constructed.
When that person dies, the survivor is left with questions that go far beyond missing them. Who am I if no one needs me like that anymore? Who sees me now?
In practice, I see how painful this is. But pain is not pathology. People are not just grieving someone they loved. They are grieving a version of themselves that only existed in that relationship. Grief becomes a process of slowly redefining or renovating the self, not just expressing feelings.
Parkes is often mistaken for someone who believed in rigid stages of grief. That is not accurate. He described phases as mental responses to new information, not consecutive steps people must complete.
Shock and numbness can protect the mind when the reality is too much to take in all at once. Yearning happens because attachment does not shut down just because someone has died. Despair grows as the finality of the loss becomes undeniable. Reorganization begins when the person slowly starts building a life that can exist alongside the loss.
People move in and out of these phases. They loop and circle back. Anniversaries, memories, even little reminders, or new life changes can reopen old questions. This is not failure. It is how the mind works when it is trying to absorb something devastating and life-altering.
Parkes also noticed how grief affects practical thinking. Clients often tell me they cannot concentrate, plan, or make decisions. From Parkes’ view, this is not a disorder. It is the loss of familiar roles.
Much of adult life runs on scripts. When those scripts disappear, thinking shrinks or slows down. A widow may have to slowly learn how to think as a widow before she can act like one. Until then, even simple tasks can feel overwhelming.
Understanding this helps us respond with empathy instead of alarm.
Parkes’ work gives us permission to slow things down. It reminds us that confusion is not something to fix quickly. It is something to understand not overcome.
From this perspective, our role is not to push people toward closure or acceptance. It is to help them gradually rebuild a sense of identity, and role(s) in a world that now includes absence.
Finally Parkes reminds us grief is not a problem to solve. It is a process of learning how to live in a life that no longer looks or feels the way it once did. He helps us see that this slow, uneven work is not a sign of being stuck. It is the work itself.
Parkes, C. M., & Prigerson, H. G. (2010). Bereavement: Studies of grief in adult life (4th ed.). Routledge.
Excellent article
Thank you for your comments on the article. I am pleased you found it helpful!
Thank you David for this beautiful reminder of all of the tasks of grief. It is so exhausting! This dovetails so well with Mary-Frances O’Connor’s The Grieving Brain.
Thank you for your comments on the article. I am pleased you found it helpful!