Grieving Adults
Facing the World as Grieving Adults
With love and attachment come separation and loss. As grieving adults, we all know it, but can hardly bring ourselves to face it. And yet, without going into the depths of emotional intensity, facing the stark new reality, expressing all our reactions, and re-emerging from the experience changed, we take the risk of getting stuck and traumatized somewhere in the developmental process of recovery and healing. There are no two brains exactly alike. There are no two losses that are the same. Each of us reacts to loss differently depending upon such factors as our religious, cultural/ethnic backgrounds, whether the loss was expected or unexpected, whether we perceive the loss as preventable, the nature of our relationship to the deceased, the death circumstances, our current life stressors and quality of support, our ideas and beliefs about life and death, and the vulnerability and resilience we experience as life continues.
Naturally, not all bereavement experiences are in relation to the loss of a loved one. Sometimes loss comes in other forms. In fact, even a little careful attention to our life will reveal the many ways in which loss is ubiquitous. However, it is not all bad to realize that the way to develop and live more broadly is to learn through the challenges of letting go of one phase of development to move onto the next. With the right forms of support and sustenance we can integrate losses into the fabric of who we are and thereby change the relationship we have with what has been lost, ourselves, and the world.
Let’s Talk Grief: How Rituals Illuminate the Intricate Path of Grief and Healing
If you are curious about the psychology of loss, cultural grief rituals practiced around the world, or how individuals can create personal grief rituals, check out this recent podcast interview with The Center's assistant director, Dr. Paul M Martin! Listen to the...
Grieving and the Holidays
These past three years have been an ongoing exercise in learning to manage profound uncertainty and the precariousness it generates. Our entire world was traumatized. Yet, long before the pandemic, but especially since then, the mushrooming possibilities—both positive and negative—for our individual lives and our society have been dizzying and destabilizing. And like it or not, we have all been enrolled in what the existentialist philosopher, Soren Kierkegaard called, “the school of anxiety.”
School of Anxiety
These past three years have been an ongoing exercise in learning to manage profound uncertainty and the precariousness it generates. Our entire world was traumatized. Yet, long before the pandemic, but especially since then, the mushrooming possibilities—both positive and negative—for our individual lives and our society have been dizzying and destabilizing. And like it or not, we have all been enrolled in what the existentialist philosopher, Soren Kierkegaard called, “the school of anxiety.”
From PesiUK: Helping Clients Design Personal Grief Rituals
PesiUK published Paul M Martin's article, "Helping Clients Design Personal Grief Rituals" in December 2022. You can read it online at https://www.pesi.co.uk/blog/2022/december/helping-clients-design-personal-grief-rituals When working with bereaved clients, we may...
Personal Grief Rituals by Paul M. Martin
Personal Grief Rituals presents a new model for how bereaved individuals can create unique expressions of mourning that are tailored to their psychological needs and grounded in memories and emotions specific to the relationship they lost. This book examines cultures...
On the Washington Post’s “How to Grieve During a Pandemic”
To witness is to protect and preserve experience from being denied out of existence. As mourners we go through phases of protest, not the least of which is the fight to not have our grief taken away from us. Back in September, 2020 when the total number estimated...
On the NYT’s “What if There’s No Such Thing as Closure?”
Bereavement thrusts us into a world of multiple swirling self states; feelings, thoughts, sensations that are unpredictable in their depth and range. In and through this bewildering painful process, we struggle to find a way to relinquish certain aspects of our...
On the NYT’s “Where Do the Dead Go in Our Imaginations?”
Even professionals in the mental health field are confused about loss and the realities of bereavement. We don’t simply relinquish our connection to the dead. Nor should we. Naturally, there is a struggle, but at long last a way to fight for some middle ground. ...
Walking A Difficult Road—Together
At long last we have a national leader in charge, who is capable of acknowledging our collective grief and the need to mourn our losses. Apart from how his administration goes on to govern, Biden’s self-declared first responsibility of leadership suggests that now...
Recovering a Future Vision
As Covid-19 and our country's political crisis continue to rage on, it becomes increasingly difficult to cope with and manage our fears and anxieties. We are enduring so many losses. In fact, there's a kind of hazy, threatening cloud of grief hanging over everything....
Engaging in Post Traumatic Growth
Among other challenges, the coronavirus calls us to reorganize our consciousness about death and dying. Perhaps the sudden plunge into mortality forced upon us by the pandemic can inspire new ways of being helpful and useful to each other, even while we grieve and...
From Simplify Magazine: Self-Care in the Face of Grief and Mourning
Simplify Magazine published David Fireman's article, "Self-Care in the Face of Grief and Mourning" in December 2019. You can read it online at https://simplifymagazine.com/essay/self-care-grief For a 25% discount on single issues and subscriptions to Simplify...
Having a Witness
If you’ve endured the death of a friend, colleague, or relative, hopefully someone was there who could witness your pain. In the case of grief and mourning, witnessing illuminates how our grief in the current situation is influenced by our beliefs and previous...
Grief Rituals, Part II
by David Fireman, LCSW The anguish of grief takes its own course and demands an unknown schedule. For a time we are dominated by its waves as they crash through us, sometimes in the most unexpected ways. Our reflex is to fortify and resist. It's actually only natural...
Thoughts on Grief and Ritual
This article will introduce some definitions that are useful to think about in the context of loss. Grief is the natural healing cycle humans endure when they experience the emotional, cognitive, physical, and spiritual reactions after a loss or separation. Grief is...
Chicago Tribune: Grief expert urges support for mourning workers
“If I had my druthers, (grief training) would be a built-in component to employee orientation,” Fireman said. While the aging population is one source of workplace grief, another is the city’s violence. Fireman’s organization last year counseled students and faculty...
Thoughts on Responding to Feelings of Helplessness and Futility
At a mental health provider training that I attended not long ago, at one point the facilitator was attempting to communicate how survivors of trauma often feel frighteningly out of control even in the most secure and benign situations. In a tone that suggested he...
Feeling Helpless
I can’t say I love feeling helpless. The underlying fear keeps haunting me, its tendrils reaching into my thoughts, pointing me darker, deeper. I can say I love myself when I’m feeling helpless – or more specifically, I’ve learned to let myself receive what I need....
Response to Senseless Death
The last Sunday of October, I attended a local vigil held in honor of the victims of the Pittsburgh synagogue massacre. The sanctuary in which it was held brimmed with worshippers and neighbors from all walks of life. The majority in attendance were non-Jewish; I...
In Response to Violence
In response to the horrific violence in a grocery store in Kentucky and a place called The Tree of Life. Autumn has always been a poignant time for me with the call of geese overhead as they fly away from the darkness of winter to come. This year, darkness fell too...
Metaphors for Mourners
Grief counseling has a specific character in that it is essentially focused on assisting the griever in recognizing, reacting to, and integrating loss(es). However, while it is distinct in its nature and course, grief counseling often intersects with traditional...
CHICAGO TRIBUNE: Students return today for first time since teacher killed
When students return to class at the Chicago Waldorf School Wednesday, their first big test will be coping with the loss of a beloved teacher killed by a stray bullet just half a mile from where she had worked for the last 14 years. “As much as we might like to shield...
Conference: No Time to Say Goodbye: Response to Grief and Loss
Center Director, David Fireman, LCSW and Assistant Director, Paul Martin, PsyD will be presenting keynote talks for the 2018 Clergy Institute’s annual conference: No Time to Say Goodbye: Response to Grief and Loss at Presence, Saint Francis Hospital. The conference...
How to Cope in the Workplace When an Employee Dies
Grief is particularly difficult to manage within the workplace. The two are grossly incompatible. Work takes place in a high-energy environment full of future-oriented developments, and its successes are measured in tangible results within clearly-defined...
Book Review: Loving Grief by Paul Bennett
Loving Grief by Paul Bennett: A Review by Allan Schnarr, PhD The path of a really good book is straight to the reader’s heart. So it was as I was steadily enchanted by the wisdom in Paul’s story of love. I willingly surrendered to his intimate tale. I felt myself...
Taking Care of Yourself
In order to stay as balanced as possible when grief evokes intense and variable emotional states, we must attend to body, mind and spirit. Use gentle, peaceful means, and be patient with your self and your process to recover from a loss. Taking care of yourself when...
The Howl of Grief
There is a phase in the grief process that feels like fragmentation. There are few words that can describe the gut-wrenching pain of this part of grief. Many people say it's like their self is being torn apart or that the anguish they feel coursing through their body...
Losing Jerry
As a result of a comment made in reference to my blog entry, "The Howl of Grief," I have decided to share something a bit more personal. In spite of my role as a therapist, I believe there are appropriate ways for myself and other therapists to share personal...
Expressing and Processing Emotions in Grief Therapy Part One
Part 1 In setting up grief therapy, which focuses on expressing and processing emotions in grief, it is necessary to look at the blocks to the free and appropriate flow of emotion. We can assume that within each of us there is a struggle to share painful feelings. A...
Anniversary Reactions
An understanding of anniversary reactions is especially important for grievers who have suffered their loss a year or more ago. Even if we are not consciously aware of our emotions, our psychological clock will be extremely accurate. Significant days or events from...
Assigning Meaning To Tragedy
As human beings we struggle with the notion of meaning. Perhaps one of the best discussions of this issue comes from Victor Frankl's, "Man's Search for Meaning." Frankl discusses his own experience as a survivor of Nazi concentration camps and how he worked to find...
Why Grief Counseling?
Many people wonder about why grief counseling is recommended. What is it? Why should I do it? It's hard enough to go through this with friends and family. What's meeting with a professional going to do for me? Why Grief Counseling Works We know that the searing...
Communal Grief
We are born knowing how to grieve. As children, we cry naturally to feel better, to let go of our pain, to release the burdens of pent-up emotions. It helped us lessen the weight from our shoulders. Positive expressions of grief are helpful to us. It is the lack...
Declaration of Values for Communal Grief
At The Center for Grief Recovery, we work primarily with individuals. But individuals make up groups and groups make up communities. These days we have both physical and virtual communities. As the world around us continues to show signs of chaos, it seems...
Walking Through Grief–Together
When The Center for Grief Recovery hosted its first-ever fundraiser walk to celebrate 25 years of service to the bereavement community, the day was hot, but there was a cool breeze off lake Michigan and the trees offered nice shade. A group of 60+ people attended the...
Suggestions for Grief Journaling
Keeping a personal journal can help you process and sort out your thoughts, feelings, memories, images, sensations, etc. As you continue to write, you may begin to gain clarity of where you have been, where you are now, and where you want to be in the future. This...
Comfort Quickies: Self Care While Grieving
During grieving, it is common to need breaks from our emotions. This in no way dishonors the seriousness of our concerns and the memories of our loved one. These ideas may give you some added nourishment to respond to the stress that comes with grieving. Some Quick...