by David Fireman, LCSW

Life’s challenges often place us in a difficult tension between feeling helpless and trying to persevere.

Grief can feel like a constant state of dislocation, a dizzying and porous frame of mind where one is rendered unable to focus and organize thoughts and feelings. The process is taxing and can lead to physical, mental, and emotional exhaustion.

While it may seem like a stretch, the principles of Jigoro Kano’s judo—The Gentle Way—offer a framework for navigating this tension, combining strength, flexibility, and humility; qualities that can help support the bereaved through the experience of the impossible and unmanageable.

In Kano’s philosophy, perseverance is not a brute force of will but a supple yet determined engagement with life’s obstacles. He outlined the following challenges: facing fears, emptying oneself, trusting one’s own voice, letting go of control, having faith in outcomes, connecting with a larger purpose and deriving meaning in struggle. Let’s take each of these points separately.

Facing Fear

Often the adventure begins with acknowledging fear. Fear is an innate, human response to uncertainty and vulnerability, and avoiding it only deepens our sense of helplessness. In judo, practitioners are taught to confront their opponent directly, not to flee or ignore the confrontation. This principle applies to life’s dilemmas: inevitably, we must face our fears head-on to understand and conquer them.

When facing job insecurity, illness, or personal failure, the natural response is often avoidance or denial. However, by naming the fear—whether it’s fear of inadequacy, rejection, or loss—we weaken its hold. Fear grows in shadows, but when brought into the light, it becomes more manageable. To face our fears is not to erase or be resigned to them but to accept their presence as part of the human experience, enabling us to act despite them.

Emptying Oneself

Judo teaches the importance of “emptiness,” which means softening preconceptions, ego, and emotional baggage. When life feels overwhelming, it’s often because we are carrying too much: unrealistic expectations, past grievances, or a need to rigidly control outcomes. Emptying ourselves creates space for adaptation and new perspectives.

Imagine a student in his first judo match. His initial expectations may include throwing his opponent quickly to win the match. The fantasy includes receiving praise from his teacher and club members for a swift victory. When these outcomes fail to immediately materialize, disappointment and even despair can set in. By emptying himself of these rigid expectations, he can focus on what matters: acknowledging his feelings, learning from his mistakes, refining his judo, connecting with his practice, and finding small victories in his performance as he continues to improve through practice. Emptiness is not defeat; it is the clarity to see what remains when unnecessary weight is cast aside.

Trusting One’s Own Voice

As we navigate the tension between helplessness and perseverance, it is essential to trust our own voice. Judo emphasizes the importance of both learning the tradition and encouraging practitioners to eventually develop their own style. Similarly, in life, we must slowly find and trust our unique perspective, even when external circumstances seem to challenge it.

This principle is especially important when dealing with societal or familial expectations. A young adult pursuing a career in the arts, for instance, may face skepticism and pressure to choose a more “practical” path. Trusting one’s voice does not mean ignoring advice or challenges but rather staying grounded in one’s own values and aspirations.

Letting Go of Control

Control is an illusion that often exacerbates feelings of helplessness. In judo, the goal is not to overpower an opponent but to flow with their movements, using their energy to achieve andvantage and victory. This principle teaches us to let go of the fantasy of control and instead adapt to life’s unpredictability.

Consider someone facing a chronic illness. The impulse to control every aspect of treatment, lifestyle, and future can lead to frustration and despair when things don’t go as planned. Letting go of control doesn’t mean giving up; it means focusing on what is within one’s own power—seeking support, following medical advice, and finding moments of joy—while accepting the uncertainties that remain. This shift from control to adaptability is a hallmark of perseverance.

Faith in Outcomes

Perseverance requires faith—not in the sense of optimism or religious faith but in a belief that effort and patience will eventually lead to progress. In judo, practitioners trust the process of training, knowing that incremental improvements will lead to mastery over time. Similarly, in life, we must have faith that our struggles are not in vain, even if results are not immediate.

For example, a parent navigating a strained relationship with a child may feel moments of despair, wondering if their efforts to connect will ever bear fruit. Faith in outcomes means continuing to show up with love and patience, trusting that the relationship can improve with time and effort. This faith sustains perseverance, even when progress is slow or invisible.

Connect with a Larger Purpose

One of the most powerful antidotes to helplessness is connecting with a purpose larger than oneself. Judo emphasizes mutual welfare and benefit, reminding practitioners that their efforts are part of a broader community. In life, this principle invites us to find meaning in service, relationships, and collective goals.

During times of personal struggle, it’s easy to become inwardly focused, fixated on one’s own pain or limitations. Shifting focus to a larger purpose—whether through volunteering, mentoring, or simply supporting loved ones—can restore a sense of agency and significance. By contributing to something greater, we transcend our individual losses and struggles and find strength in shared humanity.

Derive Meaning from the Struggle

Finally, judo teaches that struggle itself is a source of meaning and growth. Life’s challenges are not obstacles to be avoided but opportunities to develop strength, resilience, and wisdom. The tension between helplessness and perseverance is not a flaw in the human experience; it is the crucible through which we discover our deepest capacities.

Consider the story of someone rebuilding their life after a natural disaster. The loss and devastation they face could easily lead to despair. Yet, in the process of rebuilding—working alongside neighbors, finding creative solutions, and rediscovering what truly matters—they often discover meaning. Struggle, when approached with an open heart and determined spirit, becomes a teacher rather than a tormentor. Grief is both an internal and communicative and relational process.

A Gentle Way Forward

The tension between helplessness and perseverance is not something to be resolved once and for all but a dynamic to be navigated throughout life. Jigoro Kano’s principles of judo offer a gentle yet powerful way forward: face your fears, empty yourself [of unnecessary burdens], trust your voice, let go of control, have faith in outcomes, connect with a larger purpose, and derive meaning from the struggle.

Perseverance is not about denying helplessness but about moving forward despite it, trusting that each step brings us closer to growth. In this way, the gentle way becomes not just a method of practice but a philosophy for living.