Grief is among the most profound and universal experiences of being human. At some point in life, everyone encounters its power—an anguish so deep it feels as though the very foundation of one’s identity is under siege. While grief manifests differently for everyone, its origins, influences, and potential for change carry themes that transcend individual circumstances. In this essay, we will delve into grief as anguish, its impact on identity, its naturalness, its cultural and religious dimensions, and its capacity to catalyze change—or not.
Grief as Anguish
At its core, grief is agony—a searing pain that strikes in response to separation and loss. It is not simply the feeling of sadness, but a deeper torment. Whether the loss is of a loved one, a relationship, a cherished dream, or even a way of life, grief rips into the soul. This is not limited to emotional pain; it often seeps into the body, manifesting as fatigue, tension, or even physical illness. The heartache of grief can feel unrelenting, like a void that refuses to be filled. Yet, in this anguish we are reminded of our deep capacity to love, to form attachments, and to be changed.
Sense of Self Under Attack
Grief can feel like an assault on one’s very identity, leaving one vulnerable, destabilized, and fragmented.
When we lose something or someone integral to our sense of self, we often experience a crisis of identity. What should I do now? Who am I without this person? How can I go on without this role or relationship? The “assault” is not only psychological, but existential, threatening the very structure of how we see ourselves and the world.
The grieving person may feel torn—a metaphor reflected in various cultural and religious practices, such as the Jewish tradition of “keriah,” where the mourner tears and/or wears a ripped garment. The same tradition holds in some Christian and Islamic mourning rituals, particularly in older communities, where there are historical references to rending garments or alternatively cutting and disheveling hair as signs of deep sorrow.
A Natural and Spontaneous Reaction
Despite its intensity, grief is a natural reaction to loss. It is not something to be cured, rather it is something to be felt. From the wails of a child mourning the death of a beloved pet to the copious tears of an elder remembering a long-gone partner, grief emerges instinctively. In many ways, grief is a survival mechanism, allowing us to process loss and eventually reintegrate into life without what—or whom—we have lost.
Suppressing or denying grief often prolongs it, while acknowledging and expressing it can lead to recovery and healing, however painful the process may be.
Cultural and Religious Dimensions
Grief does not occur in a vacuum; it is shaped and influenced by many factors including cultural and religious beliefs. In some societies, grief is a communal experience, marked by public rituals such as wailing, and shared mourning. In others, it is a private affair, expected to be endured with quiet stoicism. In others still, it is an occasion for rousing remembrances and colorful storytelling amidst eating and drinking.
So religious, family, and cultural traditions often provide rituals for grieving, offering prayers, and ceremonies to help mourners navigate their loss.
As noted earlier, in Jewish tradition, the practice of “keriah”—rending a piece of cloth or garment—symbolizes the tearing of the soul in grief. This physical act mirrors the internal rupture caused by loss, making visible the pain that often feels invisible to others.
Psychological Upheaval and the Potential for Change
Grief has the power to upend our inner world, shattering our beliefs, assumptions, and sense of purpose.
For some, this upheaval can eventually lead to a kind of self-renovation. That is, a loss may prompt a re-evaluation of values, a deepening of empathy, or a renewed appreciation for life. In psychological terms, this is often referred to as post-traumatic growth, a phenomenon where individuals emerge from grief with a deeper and wider sense of self in relation to the deceased and the world.
For example, someone who loses a loved one to illness might dedicate his/her life to advocacy or research, channeling their pain into purpose. Others may find solace in spiritual growth or a renewed connection to their community. This renovation is not a “silver lining” to grief, rather it is a testament to the human capacity for adaptation and meaning-making.
When Grief Does Not Lead to Change
While grief can lead to self-renovation, it is not true for everyone. Not all who grieve experience deep structural shifts in their sense of self. For some, the pain of loss may eventually diminish, but their old identity, beliefs, and way of being remain largely intact. This does not mean they have failed to grieve or that their grief is less meaningful; it simply reflects the diversity of human responses to loss. For others still, grief may render them subjectively broken, unable to return to life as usual, and stuck in prolonged grief, unmoving depression or post traumatic stress.
Moreover, societal expectations around grief can impose pressure to “find meaning” or “grow” from loss, which can feel alienating or even invalidating for those who do not experience such change. Grief is not a one-size-fits-all process, and there is no right or wrong way to navigate its terrain.
The Duality of Grief
Grief, then, is a paradoxical force. It is both anguish and a testament to love, both a natural reaction and a self-renovation trial. It can lead to psychological collapse or leave oneself largely untouched. It is influenced by culture and religion yet deeply personal in its expression.
In the Jewish tradition of keriah, the tearing of cloth reminds us that grief is a rupture, a rending of the fabric of our lives. But it also serves as a reminder that even torn fabric can be mended—perhaps not in the same way, but in a way that reflects the reality of what was lost and what remains. In addition, old Christian and Islamic traditions of cloth-ripping [and the cutting or disheveling of hair] facilitate viscerally powerful emotional experiences of grief.
Grief is a reflection of our humanity—of our capacity to love, to form attachments, and to endure suffering when those bonds are torn. It can change, diminish, shatter, and accompany us, it is in short, a profound and complex part of our human experience.