I can’t say I love feeling helpless. The underlying fear keeps haunting me, its tendrils reaching into my thoughts, pointing me darker, deeper. I can say I love myself when I’m feeling helpless – or more specifically, I’ve learned to let myself receive what I need.
When I feel helpless I imagine myself being held by another who is strong enough, wise enough, and loving enough to provide the safe space I need. I feel myself there, in my body on her lap, softening and settling. With each inhale I welcome in the loving comfort; and with each exhale I melt a little deeper into the softness. My mantra at these times is this: “I am receiving everything I need, and letting it all go.”

Just so I allow love to have its healing way with me.

Sometimes in this healing space, words claim the meaning of my experience.

Here are a couple examples:

When there’s nowhere
To run
And hiding helplessly quivers
In the past
I inhale slowly filling this moment
With the steadily mounting need
To let go
To let it all go until
I am only the emptiness
That I trust the rhythm
That is always ready
To receive

Awe Full
Such a primal edge
Only trust can know
As it allows the terror
To rise
Like an arcane tsunami
Promising trauma
Driving the sun down
Demanding the blood red
Ocean to boil
All of it
Felt in the anticipation
Accepted with a slow deep breath
Primal rhythm holding
The present
Remembering what is not
Grounding in the release
That exhales fear
Honoring it as a memory
Not feeding it as a prediction
Consciously choosing to trust
While at the mercy
Of the other with power
To harm or help
Is the moment
Of surrender
Heart and soul opening
Receptive to what is needed
Letting it in with each breath
Warm tender light
As the fullness melts into
A rising gentle wave
Moistening the eyes
With the wonder
Of being well cared for
Terror becomes gratitude
In awe of the fullness
Of the healing power
Of love.
(6/18 )

Allan Schnarr