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September: A Time for Contradictions

by Jerry Rothman, MSW, PhD and David Fireman, LCSW

August and September are poignant times for most of us. The days get shorter and signal the end of summer. Evenings begin to cool off letting us know that winter approaches. The end of the summer growing season is at hand, and yet we are expected to begin anew. Most of us long ago have forgotten that September is the big time for new beginnings. We have let it slip from our memory that every September (August for some), for 13 years, we have started school (if we went to college we added 4 years, and graduate or technical schools might add even more). New teachers, new classes, new friends: a whole new world arrives every September with the start of school.

This new world brings with it challenges that we only glimpsed and tried to guess at. Before the start of school we tried to find out which teachers we would get, if we got the schedule of classes we wanted and whether or not we would be with old friends. Thus many of us faced these new challenges with a heavy load of hopes and fears.

After so many years the rhythm of new beginnings captures our emotions every September. And it is a poignant contradiction that the school schedule runs directly opposite of nature’s schedule. Spring, the natural season for new birth, actually is the end of the school year. Fall, nature’s end of the growth cycle, becomes the birthing time for our most important human endeavor. This central contradiction adds up to more confusion for children, because it rarely even comes into our awareness and almost never gets discussed.

We forget the power of the new school year. First, we are concerned about meeting our new teachers. In elementary school we only have one teacher! What an enormous disaster it is, when we don’ t like that teacher. Schools make no allowance for the fact that many children and teachers don’t mesh and should not be placed in the same classroom. This poor match could be caused by many different factors. Personalities might clash. Pacing and energy might be in opposition. The slow-paced student who is hurried along by a fast-paced teacher, experiences real pain. Teachers may not be intellectually curious, and may discourage a bright student. Some students need lots of drill and repetition to learn best. Other students are bored to death by repetition.

The horror of spending an entire year with a teacher that doesn't fit remains with us for a lifetime. This horror is magnified in elementary school, because we can’t leave and switch classes, like we do in high school. And even this switching of classes can cause real pain. Some students do poorly with multiple authority relationships, and they need to have the security of one or few adults to relate to.

Thus the way in which we faced new beginnings in school, has conditioned us to patterns for dealing with authority figures in later life. We often face new beginnings with the apprehension of a little child who might get stuck with a dreaded authority figure for a whole year.

In addition to worrying about teachers, we also panic about not getting the schedule of courses we want or need. Some people are held back from graduating, because they couldn’t enroll in the mandatory courses. We tense up when thinking about all the requirements that have to be met in order to graduate. The higher up we go on the educational ladder, the more significant this becomes. The more serious we are about learning, the more important it is to actually get the teachers and courses we seek. And yet the educational bureaucracy rarely individualizes enough to take our desires into account.

So it is that as we deal with educators, we may allow them to reinforce feelings of low self-esteem. Each time that the system does not meet our unique needs, it implies ! to us that we are not worthy enough to get what we need. Believing that we cannot get what we need can vastly expand our mountain of anxiety.

In addition to coping with new teachers and new schedules, we have to cope with the potential loss of old friends, and the difficulties of making new friends. Adults tend to underestimate the importance that friends hold for children. In therapy I have seen many people slip back to a time in childhood when they had to move to a new school. Invariably, grief and sometimes even trauma, are the results. Often, this underlying loss of friends causes much sadness and depression.

We as adults may have been traumatized by a childhood move and yet we have repressed it in our memories. We have had to make many moves as adults. Changing jobs, changing cities, changing whole careers, has forced us to adapt, often at high cost. While some of us are fully aware of the toll that moving takes, most of us have tried to put it our of our minds. Thus it is hard for us to listen to a child’s pain, because it may reawaken that pain inside of us.

So, September carries with it many contradictions, most of which we have long since forgotten. If, however, we want to better manage the new beginnings of this time of year we need to allow these memories to resurface and find ways to drain them of their intensity. Not going it alone is a good start. Mentors, therapists, sponsors, friends, trusted relatives, can all be approached. Usually we don’t need help with advice or problem solving. Instead, we often need to be listened to. It is rare to find good listeners, but we have to keep searching. We also can develop a positive self-talk, in which we remind ourselves that we are no longer little school kids. As adults we have choices. We are not helpless to change bad situations. A person does not really need a therapist to have this kind of therapy session. Another important factor is to begin to reframe the pain and turn it into a challenge. It is helpful to turn the experience of a new beginning into a learning activity. We should carefully consider what we can learn from! the new beginning and make that more important than the outcome. If we let go of the outcome and invest in learning, we set up a situation that allows us to succeed no matter what happens. Finally, we need to use our imagination. Our brain power is woefully underutilized. We can visualize a successful conclusion to the new beginning. If going to a job interview, you can visualize yourself leaving the office while the interviewer is telling you how well you have done, and imagine feelings of pride and competence. We can stand to spend some time fantasizing about successful conclusions. September is a good time for that.

Managing the Holidays

by Jerry Rothman, MSW, PhD

Holidays Can Be Difficult
No matter what your religion or lack thereof, the holiday time can be most trying. The holidays stir up memories of the past, evoke powerful feelings, and force us to compare our life situation to that of the perfect family portrayed on television.

Memories of the past are tied to this time of year. Many people have traditions which are sanctioned by religion, but many also have traditions which are more secular in nature. The gift giving, the taking of vacations, the sharing of special times or activities -- may have been part of the joy that we had with a lost loved one. Getting through the first season can nightmarish and the next ones may be a bit more moderate, but still quite painful emotionally. All of these memories of good times and rituals shared together may raise bittersweet thoughts and feelings.

Not only good times shared, but bad times shared may be dredged up. If we are like many people, the holidays may have been unpleasant for economic or emotional reasons. In this case, we may feel guilty that we couldn't have provided better for our son or daughter, wife or husband, father or mother.  Thus, the holidays are times of great emotional intensity to start with, and a death may build on this foundation and add to the feelings of loss that arise from memories.

Thus, it is not memories alone that are dredged up to haunt us, it is the feelings that may accompany these memories, that also cause pain.  Powerful emotions are evoked by the holidays and these are added to our intensity, generated by our loss.  We may experience a whole range of feelings which are hard for us to tolerate.  Sadness is difficult enough, but loneliness, emptiness, helplessness and vulnerability are even harder to manage.  Given the stereotype of the American character, these emotions are almost opposite and often considered negative in our society.

Another reason that the holidays can be disappointing is that we are bombarded with stereotypes of the perfect family, experiencing nothing but joy and warmth on a white Christmas.  This myth has been commercialized and used to sell merchandise in mass quantities.  It is therefore a force to be reckoned with and one that we can't escape.  We are made to compare the reality of our loss-filled family life with the myth of perfect family closeness that we see on television.  This painful comparison is often unsatisfactory to even healthy families, but families who have sustained losses are even further from the mark.

What to Do
There are a good many ways to facilitate getting through difficult periods of time. Although first, it's important to have a mind set that you are not helpless.  We may feel helpless and hopeless, but that doesn't mean we really are.  Once you get it firmly established that you can do some things to make life more bearable, then you can get busy and implement some of the following suggestions.

First, express the feelings as they arise.  It's not only OK to grieve, but it is important to grieve.  Grief is a process that may be painful, but it has healing qualities.  So tolerate the difficult emotions and express them to yourself and others.  Anger, sadness, frustration, loneliness, vulnerability, helplessness, emptiness and others may all be present.  The mourning process can be very painful because of the intensity and range of feelings that arise.  It is healthier to let them be and not try to sweep them under the rug.

Having said this, it is also important to modify the statement by adding that it's not OK to express these feelings in a way that harms yourself or others.  It isn't the feelings themselves that can cause damage; it's what we do with them or how we express them that needs to be monitored.  In doing so, be aware of the burden you place on others.  You can't ask people to help you beyond their own ability to tolerate feelings.  Thus, we can't expect friends and relatives to be continuously receptive.  We have to be aware of their limits.  There is no point in being bitter, if they simply can't keep listening and absorbing your grief.  Ask from them only what they can give or you may be sorely disappointed.

Another way you can help yourself through the holidays is to honor the memory of your loved one.  Acknowledge their importance to you and make up ceremonies that express that awareness.  Through thoughts, feelings, traditions and ceremonies you can express some of the grief that you feel and gain some comfort.  Rituals may be easier for some of your friends to share, so make use of them.   Or you may find comfort in developing new traditions that honor the memory of your loved one.  A contribution to charity, a day of volunteering in honor of your memories, or a visit to the grave may have some use to you.

Planning activities and ways to stay busy or keep from being too busy, can give you the right mixture of activity and freedom from unnecessary stress.  You can review your own needs and decide how to plan.  If you can't stand the idea of being alone, you could plan activities with others.  If you find being alone valuable and your holiday season is usually set at a frantic pace with social obligations, you could reconsider and cancel some of the get-togethers.

Find a way to soothe yourself.  When under stress, we need to be willing to indulge ourselves sometimes.  We each have differing ways to calm our troubled souls.  Think about what you have historically done to take care of yourself.  Go ahead and give in to some soothing activities as long as they aren't destructive to self or others.  For example, if eating is a significant soother, then you may want to let yourself gain a few pounds over the holidays and take off the weight afterwards when the emotional strains are moderated.  However, if you have a weight problem, you may find it harmful to your self-esteem to gain weight.  You'll have to balance the pro's and con's of each method of soothing.

Other Ideas To Think About
First, it is necessary to get beyond the myth of a blissful, perfect holiday season. We have to realize that many people are unhappy during this time and they are unhappy for many different reasons.  Grief and sadness may intervene and need to be attended to.  This isn't unusual or bad.  So accept what is for you and deal with it; avoid denying what's going on and you'll be able to use the above techniques to cope.

Another useful idea is that we need to express as much emotion as we can tolerate without becoming overwhelmed.   So, on the one hand, it is important to express and explore our emotions rather than avoid becoming aware of them.  While on the other hand, we have to use some soothing techniques to help us manage so that we don't totally lose our balance.  Too much flooding with feelings can destroy our equilibrium.  So find the balance that fits for you and express whatever you can, while also being kind to yourself through using your own unique soothers.

An additional significant idea is that you have to individualize all of the advice you get.  That is, there are no correct formulas for managing in difficult times.  Look at the ways you function as an individual and tailor all of the friendly and professional advise so that it fits your situation and your needs.  Don't sacrifice your uniqueness to a formula or to what someone else claims to be the right way.

You might consider another concept that can be helpful.  Being said is often confused with being depressed.  There are some quick concepts that help differentiate.  Sadness is not the same as depression.  And being sad won't make you depressed.  Here are some comparisons:

Sadness

Can be shared with others
Humor interspersed
Periods of energy
Light at the end of the tunnel

Depression

Is isolating, withdrawn
Little or no sense of humor
Tired, deflated
No hope, pessimistic

There is another dualism that should be explored. Useful, purposeful action around planning satisfying activities is different from driven, frenzied action, which we might conveniently call hyperactivity:

Purposeful Action

Use of intelligence
Mindful of our needs
Feelings are expressed

Hyperactivity

Unconscious, unthought out
Symbolic or unaware
Feelings are avoided; actions take their place

Conclusion
The holidays may not be a time of perfect bliss and your true feelings may be quite different from the mythology that commercial television and the media portray. Give yourself some leeway to be yourself and to accept whatever your feelings tell you.  In fact, the holiday season can be one of the most difficult times of the year for mourners and for many other folks.  However, you can understand and act, so that you are not helpless, and you can creatively cope with whatever the season brings to you.  While no one enjoys pain, you can take this opportunity to face your troubles and to work on them in a way that can be creative and meaningful.

The Center For Grief Recovery and Sibling Loss . . . 773.274.4600  

  

Grief in the Workplace: An Outline for Helping

By Jerry Rothman, MSW, PhD

STOP THE ACTION
The first step in dealing with a death in an institution or workplace is to stop the normal activities and reschedule so that employees can come together to share their thoughts and feelings. Depending on the organization, this moratorium will take differing forms. In a school it is relatively easy to call all of the staff and students together in the auditorium, causing a complete halt in all business. However, in a business where salespersons are out of the office and everyone has a varied schedule, this will be much more difficult. On the other hand, many businesses have adopted the practice of actually closing for a day to honor the deceased. While this is a valuable mechanism, it precludes everyone getting together to share.

FOCUS TO FEEL/TALK/SHARE
One of the most healing endeavors is to make time to express, process and share the feelings that are evoked by grief. By stopping the usual activities, we provide an opening to allow for sharing. It is often useful to invite an outside facilitator to help lead the group(s). Getting together will have to be an individualized process, especially in larger institutions. Logically selected groups may meet separately after everyone is brought together in the total group. Or if it’s not possible for all staff to be together, then a series of smaller meetings may be the start, leading up to a larger ceremony or remembrance.

USE DIFFERING FORMATS
Because people function differently to start with and then they grieve in their own style, it is important to offer as many different formats as possible. For example, some people find a group very intimidating and would not be able to express their thoughts and feelings. Thus they would need a one-to-one situation. Some people find ceremonies healing, while others find them unappealing. In one school where several students had been killed in a car accident, a large assembly was held immediately to make the announcement and get initial reactions. Then students went to their homerooms where they could talk with a familiar teacher. All teachers were asked to either cancel their usual lesson or relate it to the event. Desks were set up in the hallway where parents, social workers, pastors and others were stationed. Several private offices were available for one-to-one intensive sessions, and several small group rooms were staffed for drop-in discussions. Thus, a large variety of formats was offered and students could use whatever was best for them. The wide range, from casual hallway chats to serious private sessions, proved very useful. This service array was kept in place for several days.

CREATE CEREMONY/RITUALS
Ceremony and ritual can be very healing for most people. The ceremony can be as simple as having everyone take time to sign a card that goes to the bereaved family or it can be actually planning and conducting the funeral or memorial. In addition, periodic remembrances offer opportunities to process thoughts and feelings that arise. Anniversaries are useful marker points and can be utilized for ceremonies.

PROVIDE MANY OPPORTUNITIES
We need to remind ourselves that one chance to grieve isn’t enough. Some employees may be in shock and not be able to take advantage of an event. So the more opportunities and repetitions that we can offer, the more effective will be our healing. By offering as many formats as possible, and as many varieties of activities as possible, we can support a diverse group of workers.

UTILIZE DIVERSE HELPERS
Wherever possible it is effective to use a wide spectrum of helping persons. Once again we need to take into account the uniqueness of people and their emotional/behavioral responses. Some people may feel perfectly at home with a cleric while others either lack any religious background or even blame God for their trauma. Some people may be comfortable spilling out their deepest emotions with a volunteer while they recoil at the very mention of talking with a psychotherapist. And we are all very complicated, so that we might feel comfortable unburdening ourselves with a volunteer, yet reserve certain issues for a clergy person and other issuers for a social worker.

CONCLUSION
The above process is designed to allow the workplace to take responsibility for those issues that deeply affect its constituency. The process provides the maximum individualization, while still encouraging people to share what they can with each other. Taking into account our individual uniqueness does not require us to carry our burdens alone. Sharing emotions and memories can be very healing.

The Center For Grief Recovery and Sibling Loss . . . 773.274.4600    

Comfort Quickies: Self Care While Grieving

Chris Rothman, Ph.D.

During grieving, it is common to need breaks from our emotions.  This in no way dishonors the seriousness of our concerns and the memories of our loved one.  These ideas may give you some added nourishment to respond to the stress that comes with grieving.

•Lie in the sun streaming in through your windows.  Bathe, breathe in the sun.

•Designate an afternoon or evening and take the phone off the hook.

•When you are worried or obsessing, set up a specific time of the day to "worry" for 20 minutes.  Set a timer.  When time is up, do something rewarding for yourself.

•Do something you're good at.  It is important to ground yourself in your skills and abilities, even if the outcome isn't up to par (trouble concentrating and decreased zest are common in grief).

•Comfort yourself by taking a warm bath using your favorite scents, and burn aroma therapy candles—it's invigorating and relaxing at the same time.

•Buy yourself or your loved one a gift—and have the clerk gift wrap it.  Choose the prettiest paper and bow.  Celebrate fond memories.

•Wrap up in a warm blanket.  Put on relaxation tapes and sip on your favorite tea or hot chocolate!

•Dressed in comfortable clothing, find a rocking chair and "rock your troubles away."

•Play music that matches your mood.  Feel understood by the songs and singers that share your experiences.

•Especially when you are feeling stressed and overwhelmed, forget about making "to do" lists, and at the close of each day, make your list of "what's been done."  No wonder you're tired!

•Burn Russian amber or sandalwood incense.

•Find something alive to care for:  plants, pets, fish, etc.

•Eat at least one nourishing meal each day, even if the food doesn't hit your taste buds like you're used to.

•Put a fire in the fireplace and do some stretching and focus on yourself.  (You can add your favorite soft music to this).

•Breathe—really breathe!  Full belly.  In through the nose, slowly out through the mouth.

•Say "No" to something...(and "Yes" to yourself).

•Try gentle exercise like yoga, tai chi, or walking.

•Spend some time in nature.  Hug a tree!

•Make a memory box, collage, or journal to store your thoughts and memories.

The Center For Grief Recovery and Sibling Loss . . . 773.274.4600    

The Grief Experience

Grief is the natural, healthy, spontaneous, unlearned, normal, emotional, healing process that occurs after a significant loss. Grief is experienced uniquely by each of us, and is often experienced in waves, with emotions, thinking, physical, and social responses coming and going in terms of the intensity, duration, and order of our reactions to the loss. In addition there are many other variables that can affect our grief reaction.

Emotional Components of loss can include:

• Shock, numbness, feeling of unreality

• Helplessness

• Vulnerability

• Fearfulness

• Sadness

• Anger, irritability

• Emptiness, loneliness

• Guilt

• Carelessness, harming oneself or others in any way

• Outbursts, euphoria
  

Cognitive Components of loss can include:

• Slowed and/or disorganized thinking

• Confusion, aimlessness, difficulty concentrating

• Preoccupation, rumination

• Unaffected, no thoughts at all about the person or the circumstances

• Dreams

• Decreased self-esteem

• Altered perceptions, sensing the presence of the deceased person
  

Physical Components of loss can include:

• Fatigue, sleep disturbance

• Decreased or increased appetite

• Physical distress, nausea

• Anxiety, hypo- or hyperactivity

• Greater susceptibility to illness
  

Social Components of loss can include:

• Being unaware of others' needs

• Passivity

• Withdrawing from or avoiding others

• Decreased work productivity

• Loss of interest in usual pleasures, including hobbies, relationships and/or sex

• Strained relationships, differences in grieving needs between self and others
  

Variables that can affect your grief reaction:

• Your own history of past losses, through deaths, divorce, relocation, lost dreams, phase of life changes. Violations of one's safety (accidents, fire, personal trauma, world crises), or health changes

• Your current personal and situational stressors

• Your personal beliefs in a faith tradition or spiritual practice

• Your cultural and family expectations about loss

• If the loss is anticipated or unanticipated

• If the loss is marked by traumatic events

• The degree to which closure with the person was possible

• A "loss out of season," for the person who has died or for you

• Your ability to share the loss with others

• Your coping style and use of stress management resources

• Working through past hurts and forgiveness issues

• Finding a way to make meaning of the loss
  

Grieving is a process. There is no correct timetable for the waves and reactions of grief. Yet, as you work through your grief, you can regain your balance, develop a sense of completeness, and re-engage in life in a deeper way. Your self-awareness in the process can be a personal journey and also one you may wish to share with others, through family, friendship, and work circles, or through professional
and community resources.
 

The Center For Grief Recovery and Sibling Loss . . . 773.274.4600    

Managing New Beginnings

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